In any healthy relationship there is a need to be consistently looking at what we, as individuals, are bringing into the relationship- both good and bad. Relationships need nurturing in order to grow and evolve. It is much like a plant. Without proper care, it cannot thrive. I tell clients all the time that relationships will not evolve without effort. It takes consistent, active participation. The relationship with our children is no exception.
We live in a culture of “quick fixes.” If we have a problem, we want it solved. If we have a sickness, we want it healed. The faster we can do it, the better. Many times, I see parents who are looking for “quick fixes” with their children’s behavior. There are so many books that offer “quick fix” solutions. I completely empathize with the “just tell me what to do to make it stop” feelings that we can have when our children’s behavior feels intolerable. But, more importantly, we need to work on why we, as parents, are having a hard time with the behavior. What is getting in the way of us being able to deal with the behavior? What is getting triggered in us? What does this interaction have to teach us about ourselves?
It is my belief that there is so much more to look at then the troubling behavior of a child as an isolated issue. I believe individuals cannot be seen and understood in isolation from one another, especially children. Families are composed of interconnected individuals who very much share an emotional connection. Yes, it is true that children can have naturally intense and difficult behavior, but more importantly will be how we, as parents, respond (to that)?
Sometimes our children’s behavior can trigger some of our deepest wounds and if these wounds have not been identified or worked on, we can consistently get into negative interactions with our children. For instance, If your child is always mouthing off and you choose to ignore them instead of discipline them because you came from a family which was always fighting (and you just don’t want to fight), you may not even be aware that you are not drawing the proper boundaries that children need in order to thrive and learn respect.
We have so much to learn about ourselves from our little ones. The gifts are there if we choose to receive them.