Reflecting on my first Mother’s Day, now three years later, my thoughts and memories are as powerful as if it was yesterday. Each morning I wake up, no matter how tired I am, and realize that I don’t take for granted the treasure that arrived on the plane January 30, 2010 – my precious daughter. Here is my original post.
I just celebrated my first Mother’s Day this past weekend. At the age of 38 it feels late but as I understand, it isn’t as odd these days. One would think motherhood has been something I have been trying for forever but it isn’t. I’m just a late bloomer! I have, however, waited a couple of years for this but didn’t know just how much I’d truly waited, until this past January.
My husband and I were matched with Nathalia in October ’09 and would have traveled to Haiti in February 2010 to sign the first Haitian documents for our adoption process. We expected to be a family by the summer of 2010.
On January 12th, we sent a text message asking if everything was ok. The response? “Earthquake in Haiti.” I cannot describe how my heart dropped. The denial of the magnitude of things was quickly washed away the first time I turned on CNN. From that moment on, life was encompassed with fear, hurt, hope, angst and endless prayer.
The first weekend after the devastating quake I was without hope that we would be among the families assisted by the government. I realized we were missing a document we needed, and those who should have helped us, would not. I was broken – more than I have ever been in my life. Nancy, a friend with children in Haiti, and I, were both caught in the paperwork trap, and afraid. Through tears, I told Nancy that I now knew, more than ever, that I truly wanted to be a mom. The fear about wondering if I would ever be “good enough” was quickly replaced with the fear that it might not happen.
After a sixteen-day struggle, on January 28th, we received an email confirming that our daughter would be flown out of Haiti. The children at our orphanage had been living outside for more than a week; they were out of the specific formula that Nathalia needed, and low on all other basic needs for survival. Rachoul, our orphanage director, had fought to help our family while caring for the children, nannies and her own family.
By the 30th, we were in Ottawa anxiously waiting for the plane to land. A gracious woman handed my husband and I our daughter. She was in our arms for the first time; she was, indeed, now ours. It was so surreal I couldn’t even cry. I clung to every moment (and can replay it as if it were yesterday). My friend, Nancy, was there. Our girls had arrived to their families, on the same flight. At the end of the day we sat beside each other and just breathed our miracles in.
Three months later, this past Sunday, I went to church and stood with the other mothers for the first time. I knew I had the right to be standing there. But, I cannot deny that there was much turmoil as I stood, my mind still thinking of Haiti. I thought of the children who lost mothers on January 12th, of the mothers who lost children. I thought of the children who were newly born and harmed or hurting as they were without homes, shelter, food and protection.
My mind wandered, too, to the mothers who could not fight for their children, their spirits broken as they faced so many losses. My heart broke for those who before January 12 never felt that they had to choose between being a mother and giving their child a chance to survive. Now, they arrived at the gates of an orphanage to give their children up. Suddenly, they had no home, no job, no clothes, no food, and no shelter. After being a mom for many years, for the sake of the survival of their child, they made heart-wrenching selfless decisions. I stood on Mother’s Day and in my heart I stood with them, too.
This Mother’s Day, I say “thank you” to my mom, for how she raised me and all she taught me. I pray that I can be like her. I am blessed to have her still in my life; now she, too, is a grandmother. But, most of all I want to recognize my daughter’s birth mother, Florence Derise, as her sacrifice offered me the greatest gift a woman ever could. Motherhood.
Michelle Eisler, 42, became a mother at the age of 38 through the incredible, taxing, emotional crazy beautiful ride called adoption. Having worked as a restaurant hostess, fragrance demonstrator, visual merchandiser, and spa manager, she was intent on returning to work after her paternal leave was up. She clearly needed to be around people! After a tough experience getting her daughter home, the moment her little girl was placed in her arms, the playing field changed. Today, Michelle is now a SAHM (stay-at-home-mom). Michelle loves to cook, read and has learned a lot about food intolerances, specialty baking and label reading since her daughter arrived. In addition, she loves to do laundry half-way, run the dishwasher but not empty it, and pretend she’s not home when the doorbell rings because she is horrified to be seen without make- up. She hopes that her entrance into MotheringintheMiddle.com will be the start of a beautiful thing.
Picture of Nathalia (5 months old) & I April 2010