I believe that we, as women, live in a culture of shame, failure and inferiority regarding our attempts to reach, and our paths to achieve, motherhood.
There, I’ve said it.
I believe that our gender – known for compassion, nurturing and strength – has created a hierarchy of sorts rating the exact method, age, and end result of securing motherhood. Note the whispers about actress Kate Winslet, who was purported to have lied about utilizing natural childbirth when she had a C-section. Or, Halle Berry, who has until-now failed to show the “bump,” and is the focus of stories indicating that she may be using a surrogate. To me, none of this is anyone’s business – and certainly not ours.
For many years, I chose not to discuss how our youngest children came to us (through adoption). Many times, when women engaged me in discussions about their own birthing experiences, I failed to indicate my experiences to the contrary. I didn’t think I was ashamed of the choices I’d made; it just seemed harder to explain what would surely be endless (upon endless) questions. I explained away my stance as just a personal life choice.
In circumstances where side-bar comments were made, I laughed as if I, too, was in on the joke, even when I wasn’t. The further along I went with this, the harder it was to come clean. I believed that others would see an adoptive mother as someone who was infertile, inferior and incapable of being…a mother.
I also chose not to reveal my age fearing that as a midlife mother, I would receive negative, parochial and often snide comments. I sometimes did. But I also heard comments about my choice to adopt. All of this hurt me. It still does.
I remember that during my exploration and interview of dozens of midlife mothers across the country, which produced my NURTURE: Stories of New Midlife Mothers art gallery show, I was struck by the large number of women who had concealed the truth about their (previous) passages and journey to motherhood and the depths of their pain, loss and sorrow.
Which brings me back to Kate, Halle and the countless other women who have chosen whatever method they can, just to become mothers. Ms. Winslet was quoted as saying that her method of birthing made her “feel like a failure.” And, it is indeed these very same feelings which plague us, sometimes to our last breath.
Soon after we brought our daughter home from Russia – a time which should have been filled with nothing but joy – we were met by puzzling reactions from female friends. While I was grappling with new older motherhood, they appeared to become “unglued.” In due time, I realized that they had.
One by one, they revealed personal tales of miscarriages, abortions, attempts to conceive, attempts to adopt and regrettable mistakes made during child-rearing, all apparently jogged loose by my own surprising life-choices – my own path to motherhood. These were sad and painful stories; many of these women were good friends who had lived their adult lives in silence. I was shaken by the unpredictability of it all. So many secrets, so many lies, and so much hidden pain and shame.
In our increasingly progressive and fairly liberal society, in a day and age when same-sex marriages are becoming common and women can now serve in the military alongside their male counterparts, why do we uphold, maintain, and promulgate a counterculture of silence – of shame, failure and inferiority? More importantly, how can we, as women, support other women in their life choices and path to motherhood?
This Mother’s Day, promise me that you will celebrate both your own life and the lives of other women pursuing motherhood, in whatever manner they choose.
I’d love to hear from you. Have you hidden your personal story of motherhood? Do you have a Wall of Shame?