You probably don’t need proof that the emotional support you get from friends is vital, but here it is. A UCLA study shows that the cascade of brain chemicals released when we’re stressed causes us to seek out other women. This ‘tend and befriend’ notion, developed by social psychologists Drs. Shelley Taylor and Laura Klein, may explain why social ties reduce our risk of disease and help us live longer. Friends also help us live better. Research about coping after the loss of a partner indicates that women who have a close confidante more often survive without permanent loss of vitality. And that’s not all. Both the Harvard Nurses’ Health Study and the MacArthur Foundation Study confirm that friendship is one of the keys to a long and satisfying life.

So what is about your closest friends?  Some women appreciate the unflinching acceptance and fierce loyalty, even after disclosing their darkest secrets. Others feel secure knowing that, with the support of someone totally on their side, anything is possible. So whether you need a friend in your court who really understands or one who has your best interests at heart, these tips may help you get what you’re looking for:

1. Appreciate your friends. Remind them of their attributes and talents. But also accept their flaws – especially at times when they need you to understand their position. Listen, regardless – your friends may just let off steam and in the process arrive at their own conclusions. Only give feedback when asked, and make sure that any negatives are gently but honestly delivered.

2. Receive as well as give support. Perhaps it’s hard for you to ask for help if you’re the one who usually provides it. You may think that your strength in coping comes from not needing to depend on others. But friends can buffer the effects of distress as well as provide meaning and purpose when you’re feeling upset. They can support you only if you let them in. So try on the behavior. Gaining the courage to reach out can actually enhance your sense of self.

3. Women’s relationships can be complicated. No one friend can meet all of your needs all of the time. Notice when what you expect from each other tends to lead to misunderstandings. Be straightforward and confront conflicts head-on. And if you’re feelings get hurt, talk about it before resentments build.

4. Lower your expectations. Relationships change throughout life but that doesn’t mean they have to end. Recognize that, with balancing work and family, certain standards may be hard to maintain. But other influences for both of you can enrich your friendship, if you’re willing to be realistic and patient.

5. Know when to let go. On the other hand, some friendships aren’t strong enough to go the distance. Problems in or out of the relationships may feel insurmountable and you just can’t take the friction anymore. Or perhaps someone moves, gets involved with a man, doesn’t keep in touch – and you naturally drift apart. If you feel like you’re the only one nurturing the friendship, accept that sometimes it’s in your best interests to move on.

6. Midlife is a great time to reconnect. When you’re young, friends help form your identity. And as a teenager, with the need of acceptance by your peers, your self esteem is affected by how they see you. When your family becomes more self sufficient, friends often return to the forefront. And as you plan the next chapter of your life, you can turn to them for guidance and comfort.

Whether you exchange emails daily, meet for coffee once a month or spend an annual weekend away, make a concerted effort to discover what allows you time together. Grow into the closeness, understanding and trust at the heart of women’s friendships – it’s one of the best gifts you can give others and yourself.

© 2012, Her Mentor Center

 

Phyllis Goldberg, Ph.D. and Rosemary Lichtman, Ph.D. are family relationship experts with solutions if you’re coping with stress, acting out teens, aging parents, boomerang kids or difficult daughters-in-law. Visit http://www.HerMentorCenter.com for practical tips & learn about our ebook, “Taking Control of Stress in a Financial Storm.” Log on to our blog, http://www.NourishingRelationships.blogspot.com & sign up for a free ezine,’ Stepping Stones,’ and ebook, “Courage and Lessons Learned: Reaching for Your Goals.”