I have my foster parenting classes this weekend. I do not want to talk about my fear. I do not want to make those feelings bigger and more real by giving them life and breath. Yes, they are there.
I prefer to keep believing that this idea that I have – to be a foster parent – is right and that now IS the time. Wouldn’t it make more sense for me to wait until I get my RN degree in another 18 months? Yes. BUT I DON’T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE. I keep coming back to that fact; there is something powerful about it.
I prefer to keep believing that there will be divine intervention in my life that makes this financially possible, that I will get away from teetering on the edge of financial stability and I will jump into prosperity.
I prefer to keep believing that support systems will me there for me to help me with practical matters like getting a child off to school when I leave for work at 5:45 am three days a week, oh, and getting them picked up on those very same days.
I prefer to keep believing that the pleasant visualizations (formerly known as daydreams) I am having about this potential child of mine are attracting the experience not merely me indulging in a fantasy.
I listened to a Tony Robbins audio this month about time management. What he said is to ask yourself, “Why am I doing this…What is it that I ultimately want?” Identify those questions and let the answers be the gas that fuels your activities, and gives passion and perseverance to your actions. What I ultimately want is more love and joy in my life. I see becoming a foster parent as falling under that heading. So I can’t pull back now and wait for a time that makes more sense. I want more love and joy and my life now. That is what drives me forward.
So what actions am I taking? I have changed cable and internet providers and dropped my telephone land line to cut my monthly expenses. I am pursing an on-call nursing job to help me save up a financial cushion. I have let my brother and my niece know that I am learning about and pursuing becoming a foster parent. They didn’t look doubtful, they were encouraging and sweet. Little do they know they are going to be part of my support system. Finally, I am working on my state of mind. I am meditating and trying to understand the roadblocks I have put up to my own happiness.
In three days I start THE class. (And, yes I’m scared).