I need to feel like life holds possibility.
Since becoming a midlife mother, there are days when things feel so predictable, almost stagnant, that I find myself questioning my choice to parent. Being a stay at home mom who works from home in the suburbs was my choice, but it doesn’t come naturally to me. I know there’s a big world out there that doesn’t involve scheduling play dates, bath time, homework, etc., and I crave it.
It’s not that I don’t love my son. I truly do. No one pushes my buttons like him, both in the utmost positive and utmost challenging way.
I couldn’t imagine life without him, yet there was a time when he wasn’t part of my everyday, and I was okay….more than okay. I didn’t know any different. Before he was born, I lived a life that was fulfilling both personally and professionally.
Back in my single days, I anticipated I would one day become a mom, but I wasn’t quite sure what that would look like. And, I certainly couldn’t envision even for a nanosecond how it would truly feel. I’m not sure that anyone really can, until you’re in it.
I’ve always been a achiever with an active to-do list, and when my husband and I got married, I was working in public relations as a Vice President at a NYC firm. I enjoyed the fast paced atmosphere, stimulation and camaraderie of other creative, smart folk. I thrived on deadlines, and relished the occasional business travel, special events and luncheons with clients and co-workers. I worked hard knew I did a good job, and took pride in training others. To this day, one of my former assistants who I befriended says I’m the best boss she ever had….that I taught her everything I know. That gratifies me.
It was my choice to be home for my son, and to leave behind corporate America as I knew it. I’ve always ben entrepreneurial by nature, and taking initiative is something I do well, and I’m not a loner, so being home as much as I am sometimes wreaks havoc on my spirit. But, I have my priorities.
Nowadays, my top job is to teach my son, and on a daily basis, it’s a far harder task than working fulltime. He’s a busy eight year old boy who asks countless questions I didn’t see coming. He has an imagination that puts mine to shame, and I admire his ability to think on his feet and out of the box. He keeps me on my toes, and I love him for all that and more. He also knocks me out some days, and since I endeavor to be the best mom I can be, it’s easy to get caught up in that role and experience self-doubt about other things I aspire to do or achieve. This is when I find I begin to question that life holds possibility…for me…that is. I know in my heart that, other than raising my son, good things can and will still come, with effort and clarity on my part, even though I have my doubtful moments. I need to give myself permission, as an adult, to dream big…something that kids do all too well.
While working on my own ongoing self-discovery and pursuits, I never lose sight of Seth and what I most want to share with him.
I endeavor to reach deep down within myself to impart to him all that life can offer. I want him to know that the sky’s the limit in terms of what he might pursue. I want him to know that he should go for his passions with gusto. I want him to know that the road isn’t always easy, but if you believe, you can achieve. I want him to know that failure isn’t the end of the road…it makes you stronger if you learn from it. I want him to love and be loved and do good in the world.
And, in my efforts to instill these beliefs in him, I work to reinforce them within myself. Some I do a better job of than others. But, when I’m 92 in a rocker (G-d willing), I want to look back on a life I lived without regret (at least as much as possible). And, I especially want to know that the future holds major possibility for Seth, and that he will embrace it with the impish smile he had when he was born and is on his maturing face still today.
Robin Gorman Newman is the founder of MOTHERHOOD LATER…THAN SOONER (http://www.MotherhoodLater.com), a leading website, e-zine, blog and community for those who became a mom at 35+, whether for the first time or again. Follow her on twitter http://www.twitter.com/rgnewman. Robin became a mom at 42 and lives in Great Neck, NY with her 8 year old son Seth and husband Marc and Smokey the Cockatiel.