“The best remedy for a short temper is a long walk.” Jacqueline Schiff
Despite consuming mountains of flax and exercising daily, power surges and hormonal swings punctuate my days and nights, leaving me less kind and understanding than I’d like. Christiane Northrup, in her book Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, inspires by reframing this stage of life as an opportunity, and my nasty and selfish feelings as a means of coming to terms with my inner voice and needs. Such lovely ideals—and I want them!
The day-to-day reality, however, isn’t a pretty picture. A husband unversed in dealing with my inner witch and random tearfulness, children (some also hormonal) who expect attentiveness, and an increasingly needy aging mother-in-law do not always interface well with my emerging identity. For me, this time of life is irritating, like a sandpaper clothing tag at the back of my neck, or water dripping in the room next to me—all night. Enough already! Can I wake up one morning with more energy and less creaky grumpy in this body?
Despite my long-term goal of coming through the fire of this change as a wiser and stronger woman, for today, it’s enough of a challenge to get things done without causing more harm than necessary. Life goes on, and the children, the aging relatives, the husband–all of whom I love dearly–continue to bump into my hypersensitive exterior. While I do need to re-set the boundaries of my nurturing, and consider my own needs more, I won’t be more effective by growling at my family as I relay the message.
The beautiful weather of spring reminded me of something that often helps when communicating under duress. For those times when I really should be (and want to be!) sent to a padded room for a time out, but I am forced to deal with a situation, the solution is simple. Take a walk. It sounds too easy. But it works.
Take one acting out, “mouthy” 13 year old, who’s done something she shouldn’t. As responsible parent, you need to deal with the situation, educate her, advance this in a way that leaves you still connected to the child and not at war. Ultimately, you probably still would like to be part of a family (although I have to admit to fantasizing about being a cloistered nun at times.) Saying the things that are popping into your head, and eerily hearken to words your mother used, is probably not the best approach. Sitting her down at the kitchen table to “talk” will probably end up with you giving a lecture and her eyes glazing over. Screaming will give you a temporary fix, but you know it won’t help her learn. The popular ploy of going out to a coffee shop relies on the fear of public embarrassment to keep voices civil and doors from slamming. When that goes bad, you risk providing lively entertainment and colorful stories for the other patrons.
In general, any strategy that is heavy on eye contact is risky. If you aren’t making it in an attachment-focused way (times of mutual enjoyment or pleasant communication), or to send a quick message across the room (also known as ‘giving the eye’), it is more likely to escalate antagonism than to solve problems.
But, if you take a walk with her… you are not staring at each other; you are in parallel (which is why talks in the car often work better than those at home.) No threatening eye expressions are going back and forth between you. It is easier to stay calm and self regulate—for both of you. As you walk, the alternate left/right movement of your body is rhythmic and calming. It’s what EMDR (a treatment for trauma) is based upon. You are getting exercise (which is also supposed to be good for the hot flashes, depression, your heart, and reducing your insidiously expanding waistline.) Being outdoors in nature has a mood elevating effect. As you walk, you breathe a bit more deeply, and take in more oxygen. That also relieves stress. Walking Your Blues Away by Thom Hartmann goes into more details of the emotional benefits of walking, if you’re interested in digging deeper into the hows and whys.
With a little calming, space and stress relief, the drama often subsides. If we are walking, we also have to walk back home, so there is an impetus to work things out along the way. There are no doors to slam and few convenient things to throw. We are also giving focus to the problem—if we leave the phone and distractions at home. That alone can take blood pressure down a notch. All in all, taking a walk significantly reduces the ways people can manage to add fuel to an emotional fire.
You can try this in many ways. Walk and talk with a friend if you need to work something out, walk alone and talk to yourself (wear an earpiece if you don’t want to look too crazy), take your angry adolescent for a hike, call your mother on your cell phone while you’re walking the dog, walk around the block holding hands with your partner. If you doubt its efficacy, think about how many times you’ve become enraged or irritated while walking vs. what has happened in the comfort of your own home.
“Walking is man’s best medicine.” Hippocrates