Being an introvert and a mother of three seem to be at odds with each other. As an introvert, I tend to crave quiet and ALONE perhaps more than my extroverted human counterparts might. And yet my young children are constantly here…and there…and… everywhere!
This is my fantasy “happy place” in my mind: I am alone in the forest. Alone in the cabin – miles from any civilization. It’s only me and the woodland creatures. The songs of birds, the calls of the wolves, and the occasional growl of a bear. There is no internet. No telephone. But there are books (many books)! There is pen and paper. And God.
And, I am blissfully happy.
At least, that is what I imagine I would feel. This is a place I imagine my introverted self running to when life becomes too full… of people, activities and demands.
Despite all this, I home-educate my children. This has proven to have many benefits and blessings. But, I confess that some days the big yellow school bus also enters my fantasy world and whispers to me “Let me take away your children.” Ahhh, this idea that all my children disappear for a few hours each day. Time when I could exact order and cleanliness on my home, and no interruptions on my reading time. Of course. reality rarely works that way.
Does every mother dream at times of running away? Of course. But not everyone needs this escape to the same level of intensity. Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts In a World That Can’t Stop Talking in her TED Talks: The Power of Introverts, speaks about how introversion is not acceptable in a society which values group interaction as much. She writes, “…solitude matters. And, in fact, for some people – it is the air they breathe.”
Is this why I often feel so short of breath?
A short while ago, my sister and I were daydreaming about getting away on a holiday – away from our kids, husbands and all responsibilities. I asked her how long could she go before she would miss her children? Her response – a day or two. I laughed. That’s barely enough time to catch my breath! I could leave for a week, I’m sure. And that causes me to feel some guilt. Am I a less loving mother because of this?
As an introvert, I feel as though there is this constant battle inside of me. I want to run away and be alone, but I love my children and often want to be around them. I crave silence, but want to enjoy their play even if it is louder than my senses can comfortably handle. I crave peace, but their bickering and fighting are like 100 nails on a chalkboard. Some days, I confess, I just want to cover my ears and run away. I covet time to read books uninterrupted. Lots and lots of books. Books I used to stay up until 4 am reading because… well, because I could. Because no job I have ever had has demanded as much of me as these children do.
But does this make me less of a mother? According to many parenting books, yes. Because I should enjoy sitting down to play with them, right? I really don’t. I should love taking them out on outings to experience life all the time, right? But I like to stay home. Does this make me less of a mother in real life? No it does not.
There are gifts I can give to my children that might only be best taught by an introvert.
For instance, how to enjoy their own company. Even extroverts need time to just be alone, and hopefully learn how to take pleasure in that – even if only for short period of time. My very outgoing five year old must take a one hour quiet time every day. Now, she is learning what to do during that time that she enjoys. On her own. She will listen to radio theatre, read books and listen to music. She doesn’t love to be alone and would still prefer her little sister there – but I see her coming out of her room more centered, more at peace with herself. It makes me wonder: If we can’t enjoy quiet time on our own, how many opportunities to hear (from) God might we miss?
Hopefully, we can come to accept and love our own introverted selves enough to pass along this acceptance to our children no matter where they lie on the introverted/extroverted scale; so that they can see the value of each human being as God created them. We each have something valuable to give each other. I have very extroverted friends who tell me that they have learned that it’s ok to slow down and say “no” more often just by being my friend. In return, they teach me how to not take myself so seriously and enjoy life.
According to Susan Cain, “The more freedom we give introverts to be themselves, the more likely they are to come up with unique solutions to problems.” I have not had enough time to be myself to figure out how to make this cabin in the woods a reality. But maybe if I can listen to my own voice, calling me away to quiet time, even in small spaces throughout my day, the call of the quiet in the woods won’t be quite so strong.