“CENTERING: that act which precedes all others on the potter’s wheel. The bringing of the clay into a spinning, unwobbling pivot, which will then be free to take innumerable shapes as potter and clay press against each other. The firm, tender, sensitive pressure which yields as much as it asserts. It is like a handclasp between two living hands, receiving the greeting at the very moment that they give it…” – from “Centering – In Pottery, Poetry, and the Person” by M.C. Richard.
Long before I was a therapist, or a mom, I had a humbling encounter with a lump of clay on a pottery wheel. I’d nearly forgotten that experience. But it came back to me the other day when I was trying to help a friend out of the just-adopted-a-new-child-and-have-four-others-who-are-off-the-wall quagmire.
It happens to all of us. Sometimes a death, illness or job change overwhelms our world. Other times, it’s the sum of many little things: too many times of not saying “no,” too many fun or social experiences we just couldn’t resist, fluctuating hormones, long winters. We may find ourselves exhausted and discouraged. Or, our state-of-the-art stress alarms (children) go off, grabbing our attention with undesirable behaviors. Whatever the origin, feeling off-kilter isn’t pleasant.
Almost to a person, the women I know who have chosen to be later life moms are what I would define as ‘chance takers.’ They push limits and seem to enjoy the position of standing just shy of the edge of a cliff. In contrast to clients and friends whose children are all grown, these women are not focused on retirement plans, perfectly ordered homes and predictable schedules. They are fully engaged in life as an ongoing adventure, not buying into the expected wind-down that begins in the early 60’s. They are funny, interesting, flexible (compared to other age-mates), and often just a tad ADHD (myself included in that one).
Overachieving? Vibrant? Yes! Centered and balanced? Ahem. Well…rarely. So what could be wrong with that? A self-starting, resourceful, determined, energetic person, with an excellent sense of humor is a great description of someone who is qualified to take on an unpredictable moving target (a.k.a. a child).
These moms accomplish a lot—working, socializing, worrying over their children’s health and education, volunteering—while bouncing around like ping pong balls. They often seem to run better when fueled on anxiety and pressure. Unfortunately, when one thing too many enters the mix, the whole system becomes like a big, wet blob of clay thwonking around way too fast and out of control.
On the wheel, there are simple rules for fixing this. You can’t move forward with your project until you’ve centered the clay. And, you must keep rechecking the balance, because it changes slightly with each turn. Little blips can be righted with small corrections, if applied immediately. When the clay is centered, it has the lovely feeling of “a handclasp between two living hands.” When it goes off center, it’s a beast.
Calming and focusing parents is one of the most efficient therapeutic places to start behavior changes in their children. The parents are steering. If they are out of whack, there’s only so much I can do for their passengers. One of the first things I look at is everyone’s reactivity, which is often tied to overall stress levels in the home. Although many things can’t be changed, some can.
Start here: Calm yourself. Breathe slowly and deeply, get into a simple yoga pose, take a hot shower, talk with a friend, or go for a walk or run. There is scientific evidence that all those things affect our ability to self-calm. Practice self-calming everywhere you can—breathe deeply when you’re in a tense work situation, with an unpleasant relative or sitting in traffic.
Simplify. We tend to look for externals to calm the chaos. We buy a new organizer, take a yoga class, go on vacation, or see a therapist. All are good, but they’re missing the point if what’s underneath is a mess. When the foundation is wobbly, don’t add; take away. Focus on what’s vital, and throw everything else out for a while. (Don’t panic, I didn’t say, “Forever!”)
Take some time off from all that important stuff you do. Yes, it is possible to skip a piano lesson, soccer practice, and even homework one night. Cancel those weekend plans. Tell your mother you can’t come over tomorrow after all. Turn off the iphone for a few hours.
Resist peer pressure (or your overachieving self). You don’t need to keep up with the woman who looks like supermom over there. (She’s probably a wreck underneath it all from trying to keep up with someone else.) Do only what you need to do. Use this as the test: If you were in an accident or had the flu, how many of these ‘important’ things would you still need to have done over the course of next week?
Don’t hesitate to use your full force as a parent. Instead of gently poking at the children to cooperate, use “firm, tender, sensitive pressure,” to lean on what needs doing with conviction. You can be a benevolent dictator for as long as it takes to get everyone where they need to be. Teach them inner balance and they will carry it with them for the rest of their lives.
Every system has a threshold of tolerance. When it’s exceeded, symptoms (i.e. bad behaviors, depression, anxiety) will occur. You cannot determine your family’s (or your children’s) limits by looking at what another family can handle. You must do your own research, and work with what you’ve got. Pull back on the ‘to do’ list until you see results.
You will know when you’ve gotten to the right place. It will feel better. Slowly and thoughtfully, you can start to add things in, periodically evaluating and adjusting. Just remember to keep below the threshold!