Every month in my Single Mothers by Choice group, members who are trying to conceive using various fertility treatments link up on our internet forum to cheer each other on during the dreaded “two week wait” between their insemination or IVF and their pregnancy test. I am a lurker on this thread now, my days of knocking myself up all in the past. But I’ve been watching the average age of these hopeful women drift younger and younger, with mixed feelings.
This month, the October 2WW group has 30 members. Only three are in their 40s, the rest in their 30s or – one woman – in her late 20s. The message has apparently gotten through. Fertility declines as we age, so women who want to be mothers should not wait too long before acting. I think the choice to become a single mother has also become more accepted and known, so more women are getting to that place – alone but wanting to become mothers – younger than ever before. I’m glad. Infertility is a hard road, and the added pressure of the biological clock is something no one needs.
But I feel almost nostalgic, too, for the days when it seemed everyone had to hit 40 before they were willing to consider going it alone in motherhood – as if you had to be 40 before you were really willing to admit even to yourself that you were scrolling through a catalogue from a sperm bank. Now, women are doing it in their 20s, skipping the step of marriage or partnership simply because it feels right and good to do it alone. The old demographic markers of Single Mothers by Choice – oldish, educated, well-employed and independent women – are changing. By starting younger, in their late 20s and early 30s, these women have less seniority at work, perhaps less education, but more confidence than ever that single motherhood is the right choice for them.
I don’t think there is a “right” age to become a mother. It will depend on each woman and her stage of life. Being an older mother has its advantages – I’ve been confident, secure in my career, happy with myself, pleased with the adventures I’ve had, and ready to settle down. But starting late has meant my support system – my parents, for one – are older, and my children’s cousins are older. I’m perhaps an eensy bit slower and less energetic than a younger mother – though that was me hiking last week, one child on my back and other at my side, admiring the fall colours in the forest. These women trying to conceive this October seem set to be younger mothers – with the benefits and costs that entails. I wish them well. But I hold a special hope for those three 40-something women chasing their dream of motherhood this month, hoping they get there before it’s too late. This is a journey no one wants to miss.