Until yesterday, I would swear to it that I was past all the “What If’s.” That is, the nagging, endless questions that plagued me for the last few decades. Here are a few:
What if I would have married while in my 20s (instead of my late 30s)?
What if I never married at all?
What if I had children in my 20s and 30s (instead of my mid-40s)?
What if I could have felt better about myself and found support from those around me instead of feeling isolated in my life-choices?
What if I believed that my two (now-older) stepchildren were all that God planned for me and, therefore, once in my middle years was now able to pursue an unlimited number of possibilities: another career, life-path, friendship, relationship, with the freedom that only an empty nest can bring.
Should I have made the choices I had?
I thought all of those voices were resolved… until yesterday.
While at an outdoor concert, I was struck by the large number of concertgoers, all my contemporaries, with their mostly teenage/young adult children. I suddenly thought, ‘that could/should/would have been me!’ How lovely to have lived my younger years more in-the-flow (less iconoclastically and more traditionally) allowing for more “me” time at the end. For a short while I questioned it all: the Midlife Mothering, the Sandwich Generation I was part of; the middle age blues, the menopausal shifts, and all that this age/stage brings – sometimes making it doubly hard just to raise young children. I reasoned: As Midlife Mothers, our “me” time was at the beginning; we know all too well that we will still be raising our precious children “at the end.” More importantly, we fear that the end won’t be far enough away for our children.
For once I wished I could turn back time and have made different decisions/different life choices/been in a different situation.
And, quickly, as fast as it all came, I thought it left. But did it?
Today, I’m still left with the lingering what-if’s and a quiet ache in my heart. I’m happy with my life – the happiest I’ve ever been. But, I still have those unanswerable questions. Not good for the soul, but the status quo/my current state of affairs.
Do you have a “What If?” If so, I’d like to hear from you.