The war between the sexes never really ends. I’m not talking about the inequality in wages, the glass ceiling, the cost of dry cleaning or hair styling or being taken advantage of by mechanics in general.
I’m talking about toilet seats. Up or down. And the general leading the charge in our house is my six-year-old son.
“Why do we have to leave the toilet seat down?” he asked me. “Why don’t girls have to leave the toilet seat up?” On first blush, it seems to make sense. How did the norm become seat down versus seat up?
Logic doesn’t cut it here though. You can be a slob, leave clothes everywhere in the house and probably be a huge jerk most of the time. Women have high pain thresholds where men and marriage cross paths.
In return for overlooking our multiple defaults, women have claimed the site where they can reign supreme. The bathroom and the toilet belong to the female.
Even if I were to agree with my son, I certainly would not post it over the internet for the world to see. Let me give my son and all other young males who hope to make it past puberty some sage advice.
Holding the door open for women, whether they be straight or not, is a good idea. Asking them their age is not. Letting a women taste the food on your plate, regardless of the fact that they have perfectly good food on their plate, that they ordered, is a good idea. Sharing your dessert without asking is good for brownie points. And I don’t care what planet they’re from. Giving flowers instead of chocolates shows sensitivity for females in general and avoids questions like, “Are you trying to make me fat?”
Asking them when their child is due when they might not be pregnant is dangerous and potentially fatal. Refuse to answer any questions referring to how they’re dressed. State that you barely know how to dress yourself and that you are not qualified to judge someone else’s couture.
If a women wants you to ask about her day, you’d better hit that remote button and ask her how her day was. In most cases, the remote still belongs to the male of the species (species remains undefined in this case). If, however, a woman shows aptitude in remote use, please remember to add more remotes until she is either confused or gives up due to extreme apathy, undisguised pity and dismay and revulsion that you care so much about the television.
Beware that you don’t in any way suggest that you care more for the TV than for her. (Or any shows including wrestling, any reality show, most sporting events and heaven forbid—politics.)
While these suggestions should help increase your survival rate, we still need to deal with Toilet Politics. So my young son and all your poor unenlightened, young ilk. Live a long and prosperous life.
Put down the damn seat!