Rachel Ruby Archives - Mothering in the Middle

Six Tips for Helping Stepparents Deal With Jealousy

by Rachel Ruby

Within families and stepfamilies that have experienced separation and divorce, horror stories are often shared and retold (to people within the family circle and outside of it) about who did what to whom; of alleged wickedness and “evil” behaviour; and of “monsters” real and imagined.

Whatever the situation (or the story), there is one monster in particular that often rears its ugly head causing tension and havoc in families and stepfamilies alike – that “green-eyed monster,” also known as jealousy.

Jealousy is typically an emotion rooted in a fear. Fear that something belonging to you will be taken away or of a loss in status of something of great personal value, particularly in reference to a human connection. Within stepfamilies, jealousies typically originate as a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a valued relationship and the anticipated loss of something that is important to the person in question. It typically co-exists alongside thoughts and feelings of envy (the desire to have something that is possessed by another), hurt, hostility, insecurity, fear, concern and anxiety. It is expressed through a myriad of different behaviours (as opposed to a single behaviour) and it doesn’t always look pretty. […]

Gender Roles in Stepfamilies: How Traditional Thinking Sets You Up to Fail

Trisha Ladogna and Rachel Ruby

No matter where you fall on the feminist continuum, there is no denying traditional gender roles exist. We all know them. Men go to work and are breadwinners. Women stay at home and are caretakers.

What you may not know is that these types of gender roles wreak havoc on stepfamilies. They also set stepmothers up to fail. And, believe it or not, we all have a role to play in setting the trap.

Your Partner’s Role

Following divorce, separation or death, children and their dads transition and adjust to living together on their own. Many times this can mean a father taking on tasks that he didn’t previously do – like picking his children up from school or organizing play dates.

Most children find that they enjoy this time with their dad. In fact, Sarah Allen PhD, and Kerry Daly, PhD, found in their research study titled “The Effects of Father Involvement,” that both children and fathers do better when dads are actively involved in their children’s lives. […]

7 (Father’s Day) Tips for Honoring Fathers Not Living at Home

by Trish Ladogna and Rachel Ruby

Mothers are still more likely to get primary custody of children following divorce than fathers, leaving the majority of divorced fathers the “non-residential parents.” Fathers that, chances are, love their children very much and whose children love them, too.

Father’s Day can be particularly difficult for this set of dads whose contact with their children may be limited to every other weekend and/or summer vacations.

Unquestionably, fathers play an important part in their children’s lives, from birth through to adolescence, young adulthood and beyond. In recent years, there has been growing recognition of the significance of fathers, residential or otherwise, to families and to the behavioral, general health and well-being of their children’s life.

As Jeffrey Rosenberg and W. Bradford Wilcox found in their work, ‘The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children, children who experience an involved, caring father are more likely to be emotionally secure, be confident to explore their surroundings and, as they grow older, have better social connections and educational outcomes. […]

The Mother’s Day Predicament for Stepmothers

Trisha Ladogna and Rachel Ruby

Modern-day Mother’s Day celebrations are an opportunity to pay tribute to our mothers and thank them for all their love and support. For stepfamilies, this day of appreciation of mothers and mother-figures can raise a whole lot of something – not all of it always good!

For many reasons, it can be difficult for children, even those with the most amicable of co-parents, to celebrate both their parents and stepparents on Mother’s/Father’s Day. Mother’s Day can highlight the most intractable problems between moms and stepmoms and leave children feeling like they are fighting the ‘Battle Royale’ of internal battles out in public for their whole world to see.

As a stepmother, being ignored by your stepchildren on Mother’s Day – well, it sucks. More so, if you have been in the picture for a long time and you do a lot of parent-like things for your stepchild. Putting yourself in your stepchild’s shoes and looking at the situation from their perspective might help take the sting out of being overlooked or ignored on Mother’s Day. While considering things from the child’s point of view, you might also find that their response towards you on Mother’s Day actually has little to do with you as a person or as a stepmom, but more about their own feelings and struggles. […]