Dear Reader: This is an update of a previous post. Given the increase in surrogates and surrogacy, we thought it important to present this comprehensive review of it all.
MYTH You have to be a couple to be able to have a child through surrogacy.
REALITY We are more and more seeing single women wishing to be Mothers coming to surrogacy. Please keep in mind that there still must be a medical necessity to ask another woman to take that risk for you. Many women can still carry a pregnancy even after their own eggs may no longer be viable. While eggs mayno longer be viable after the very early 40’s, you can still carry a pregnancy into your late 40’s. The average age of women in the U.S. carrying donor egg pregnancies is 44! We are also seeing many more single men becoming a parent through surrogacy.
MYTH Gay men cannot be parents.
REALITY Gay couples are more and more becoming parents together through surrogacy. They are sometimes able to use the eggs of a sister or the sperm of their brothers. Or they can use donor eggs. Lesbians are also able to use the sperm of a brother and keep the genetic connection.
MYTH Now that egg freezing is a reality, you don’t need to worry about having children until you are ready.
REALITY Although technology is advancing and this may be a solution, NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR OWN REPRODUCTIVE DESTINY because you think you have lots of time. Have your FSH (Follicle stimulating hormone) tested. Freeze your eggs, but start to plan this when you are 37 rather than waiting until you are 43. The hardest news to give a woman is that her own eggs will no longer work because of her age. If only she had planned this when she was still in her 30’s.
MYTH The surrogate mother will keep my baby.
REALITY In the history of surrogacy in the USA there have been 65 cases documented of a couple not accepting their child. There have been 25 surrogate mothers that are recorded as having tried to change their mind over relinquishment. Surrogate mothers and their husbands are as much afraid of you not taking your child as you are afraid of them not giving it you. There are reportedly over 20,000 documented surrogacy cases, less than 0.001% have resulted in disputes over relinquishment. A surrogate mother can another have child of her own; she does not want yours.
MYTH The surrogate mother is doing this for the money.
REALITY If a surrogate mother cannot articulate several reasons why she wants to help a couple, we do not accept her offer to help you. Most professionals in the field believe that the money is not sufficient to reward a surrogate mother for her efforts. She must be able to recognize the internal benefits, to herself and her family, of what she is considering. As the Internet allows more and more surrogate mothers to advertise their services, we believe money will become a more important consideration in this field. Most surrogate mothers probably would not do this for free. Her family as well as she will be making many sacrifices to help you have your family. Most couples would not want the surrogate mother to go without compensation. Couples often feel relieved to offer her and her family compensation. The couple can make a difference to her family just as she is making a difference to their lives.
MYTH Surrogate mothers are low-income women without anything going for them.
REALITY Surrogate mothers in most professional programs are already mothers, most are married, many work outside the home. Their families are self-supportive (no welfare, etc.) Couples have the ability to choose their surrogate mother and you can simply refuse a surrogate mother that you feel is not financially stable or appropriate.
MYTH How do I know my surrogate mother will not smoke, drink or take drugs?
REALITY As a rule, surrogate mothers feel a greater sense of responsibility taking care of your baby than they did their own. They want nothing more than for you to have a healthy child. That is why they have offered to help you. In REALITY, some surrogate mother’s husbands report that they get jealous or angry at this pregnancy because she takes such greater care of this pregnancy than she did their pregnancy. The key to successful surrogacy is TRUST. She has been pregnant before, you will have met her children and realize that she is a good mom and that the children are healthy.
MYTH Relatives or friends make the best surrogate mothers.
REALITY Surrogate arrangements are more complicated that you think they are. It depends very much on who she is. Does she acknowledge the benefits surrogacy will bring to her as a person? Is she healthy? Is she a mother? Does she have a good support system? Will you feel comfortable raising your child in the presence of the woman who gave birth to him or her? Can you all make the changes necessary to resume your relationship after the birth? What will the surrogate mother’s (i.e. your sister’s) role in the child’s life be? In one reported case the sister never spoke to the intended parents (sister and brother-in-law) again after the birth. Do not make a baby with someone you don’t like. You may love your sister, but do you actually like her? Agencies have to screen hundreds of surrogate mothers to select the few that we believe in. It is difficult to imagine that you could screen only one or two possibilities and find an ideal candidate.
MYTH IVF surrogacy with an egg donor is better than AI surrogacy because the surrogate mother won’t bond with the baby if it’s not her egg.
REALITY AI surrogate mothers are not more likely to bond with the baby than an IVF surrogate mother. AI surrogate mothers are carefully screened (as are all surrogate mothers in our program). They have chosen the AI program in part because they are capable of making the distinction between their egg and your baby. Some IVF surrogate mothers would not want to work with donor eggs because one of the reasons they chose the IVF program was to help a couple have their own genetic child. There are no reported cases of an IVF/ED surrogate mother changing her mind about relinquishing the child.
MYTH Will my husband run away with the surrogate mother?
REALITY No! We have not encountered any sexual interest between a surrogate and the intended father. All parties work hard to develop a respectful, warm relationship. Surrogate mother’s motivation is to help a couple become a family.
MYTH Will I bond with my baby?
REALITY Yes, yes, yes!! Always remember that your child would not exist but for the steps you took to create your child. Couples are involved with the conception and the resulting pregnancy.
MYTH Surrogate mothers are ultra-kind and altruistic women.
REALITY Surrogate mothers are indeed kind and altruistic. Surrogate mothers still need your attention and kindness throughout the pregnancy. Not every surrogate mother is sweet and non-complaining.
MYTH Surrogacy is illegal in my state/country therefore I cannot pursue this avenue.
REALITY Even if surrogacy is illegal in your state or country, you can participate in our program. We only work with surrogate mothers in those states where surrogacy is not prohibited. Since it is not illegal to do surrogacy in these states, you are not breaking any laws. We are not aware of any country or state that prohibits couples from ever bringing home their child conceived through surrogacy. If a state or country prohibits surrogacy, this is usually limited to surrogacy undertaken in that state or country.
MYTH It is less expensive to do surrogacy on my own, without a professional program.
REALITY Maybe. If all goes well, your choice of surrogate mothers works out, and no complications develop, such as insurance disputes, psychological issues, or high risk pregnancy, etc. Almost all surrogacy cases work. Very few cases have gone to court. However the Internet is full of stories of breakdowns in relationships and hurt feelings. This is less likely to occur when a counselor and agency are involved to work through possible problematic issues. You are paying a premium for our experience, attention to detail, protocols and contacts. You can do it on your own or with a professional acting as a matching service. It is simply more complicated for you.
A final REALITY that is often overlooked is what happens if this match does not work out? If you found a surrogate mother on your own you may have lost considerable time, emotion and money. Many couples do not have the stamina to begin by themselves again. If a particular match does not work out for a variety of possible reasons, most agencies will rematch you in one to two months. Most always have surrogate mothers in screening and if one match does not work out, that couple becomes a priority to the program.
Karen Synesiou is the CEO of the Center for Surrogacy and Parenting, Inc., notably, the leading surrogacy center in the world. Karen is also a Mother of three children, conceived through IVF – a daughter who is five years older than her twin brothers, who were all created from the same IVF cycle! Fay Johnson, 66, is a Case Manager for CSP dealing with couples all over the world to help navigate their surrogacy journey. She is the mother of Lily, 22, and Chase, 18. Fay is also a featured subject in NURTURE: Stories of New Midlife Mothers, the first art gallery show (traveling North America) dedicated to presenting women choosing motherhood over 40.