No matter where you fall on the feminist continuum, there is no denying traditional gender roles exist. We all know them. Men go to work and are breadwinners. Women stay at home and are caretakers.
What you may not know is that these types of gender roles wreak havoc on stepfamilies. They also set stepmothers up to fail. And, believe it or not, we all have a role to play in setting the trap.
Your Partner’s Role
Following divorce, separation or death, children and their dads transition and adjust to living together on their own. Many times this can mean a father taking on tasks that he didn’t previously do – like picking his children up from school or organizing play dates.
Most children find that they enjoy this time with their dad. In fact, Sarah Allen PhD, and Kerry Daly, PhD, found in their research study titled “The Effects of Father Involvement,” that both children and fathers do better when dads are actively involved in their children’s lives.
When a new stepfamily is formed, fathers are conditioned to move back to a breadwinner role and expect/encourage the stepmother to take on the caretaker role. So, a new stepmother steps in and finds herself responsible for organizing activities, dinners, school lunches, homework and, at times, discipline. And, without even knowing why, she may find that her stepchildren are feeling resentful.
To a child, it can feel like they are losing a part of their father that they just found. Stepchildren also are surrounded by and well aware, either consciously or unconsciously, of the traditional gender roles of men and women. Even if they are unable to articulate it, it can feel like their new stepmom is trying to compete or become their mother just by her doing the routine caretaker tasks expected of her.
Your role
Stepmothers also add bait to the trap.
Women are raised to believe we are responsible for everyone’s needs. Decades of research, including Shannon Weaver and Marilyn Coleman’s article for the “Journal of Social and Personal Relationships” titled “Caught in the Middle: Mothers in Stepfamilies,” shows that our self-esteem as women is wrapped up in our relationships; we actually need relationships to go smoothly to feel good about ourselves. So, when there is a relationship problem in our family, we move in – most of the time without even thinking – to fix it. Even when those problems don’t belong to us. Even when it’s way too soon for us to be involved.
You see it all the time. Hell, most of us have even done it! Your partner has attempted to discipline his daughter and failed (in your eyes). The daughter hasn’t listened. Your partner hasn’t followed through with the punishment. The behavior continues. And what happens next?
For a family entangled in the stepfamily gender trap, the stepmother feels compelled to dive in and fix things. Whether she enforces the discipline that she feels her partner didn’t has a number of yucky conversations with her partner about his inability to parent and the strain it places on her and/or their family or attempts to speak directly to her stepdaughter to smooth things over, drama begins.
You and your partner feel pulled apart rather than closer together and parenting. Your stepdaughter “hates” you for being the disciplinarian and “coming between” her and her dad. You feel miserable and like a failure because you weren’t able to fix the problem and your important relationships are off kilter.
The Ex-Wife’s Role
There are lots of reasons why an ex-wife may get hot and bothered about a new stepmother on the scene. Many of those, however, can be found to be built on a solid foundation around expectations of a woman’s role in the family.
The ex-wife “knows” in her heart that the new woman in her children’s home will be the caretaker. She envisions the stepmother assuming primary responsibility for the care of the home and her children – even when that isn’t actually happening. It’s what she anticipates will happen. And it’s what she fears: another woman taking her role as her children’s mother.
Unconsciously, this belief sets her against the stepmother before she even meets her. Before she knows whether she would like this woman as a person. Before she knows the actual reality of the parenting situation that is happening in her children’s other home.
Avoiding the trap
The reality is that traditional gender roles just do not work for stepfamilies. In fact, they work against them. Particularly in the beginning years. And especially for stepmothers. As you go along, you’ll find many ways to help yourself and your stepfamily avoid falling into the stepfamily gender trap. Here are six ways you can get started:
- Let him take charge of his own children.
Your partner needs to maintain the caretaking and primary discipline for his kids and vice versa. You both need to allow this to happen. Even it feels wrong. Even if you think your partner isn’t doing it right. Even if it flies in the face of everything you have been taught or have learned about how families are supported to operate.
- Stop being a savior.
Work out which problems in the family are yours and deal ONLY with those. Provide support and a shoulder to lean on to your partner (and stepchildren if they ask) but don’t take an active lead. Allow your partner and his kids to make the final decisions about solutions to their problems. This means, if your partner is having another screaming match with his ex-wife, just be the calm in the storm. Don’t jump in and try to smooth things over between the two. It’s not your role and will only cause more problems for you all in the long run.
- Focus on one-to-one relationships.
Stepfamilies thrive when they spend time developing the individual relationships between each member of the family. Getting to know each member of your family as a unique person away from any gender role expectations or stereotypes is key. This means ensuring individual time for your partner and his kids. Those school pick-up games and basketball training runs that your partner was doing are important to maintain. Find something that you can enjoy doing individually with your stepchildren. Make this a new space rather than taking over something that the children already routinely do with their dad. And make sure you and your partner have some time alone time. Even when the kids are with you.
- Don’t give up your day job.
Seriously! If you are staring a stepfamily, think long and hard before giving up your job to take care of the stepchildren. Choosing to be a stay-at-home stepmom in the beginning stages is the ultimate bait in the stepfamily gender trap. It restricts your time with and access to a role outside of the one of caretaker and to an established network of support that you probably developed long before you even met your current partner. Support and self-care are really important for stepmoms at all stages, so it’s a good idea to hold on to as many positive supports as you can when starting on your stepmother journey.
- Be civil to the ex – with no expectations
You and your partner can choose to move past and away from traditional gender roles in your family, but you can’t for the ex-wife to see, understand or appreciate this. Your partner is the person responsible for his parenting relationship with his ex-wife. Although it can feel good for a stepmother to have a positive relationship with her stepchildren’s mother, it is not a requirement for a health stepfamily.
- Break the rules.
Just because gender roles exist doesn’t mean you have to follow them. You and your partner can readjust your roles to find a balance that best suits both you and the kids. Feel free to get rid of what isn’t working for you and move forward with what does.
One of the many benefits of being part of a stepfamily as compared to a first family is that there is much more room for diversity. Use this! And, embrace it. It will not only help you avoid getting caught in the ultimate gender trap but can help you on your journey to creating a stepfamily and life you love.
This article originally appeared in the MARCH, 2015 issue of StepMom Magazine.