Dear Readers: In her first US interview, we are so pleased to welcome Mothering writer, mother, author, breastfeeding advocate, UK-based Ellie Stoneley, featuring her newly-released book, Milky Moments (published worldwide by Pinter & Martin Publishers) – a children’s book about breastfeeding.
Welcome Ellie!
Thank you Cyma … a very exciting and busy time for this mother of one (and I’m talking about my daughter as opposed to my first book!)
Q: Milky Moments features a variety of different mothers breastfeeding in a variety of social situations. It’s not only a beautiful book, but it stresses the importance of individuality and of making such a natural occurrence….well, natural! Was that your intent?
A: Absolutely that was my aim! When my daughter was first born, for her baptism, and for her first birthday, she was given a great many books. Often they depicted babies being fed … and all of those babies were being fed by either mother or father, sibling or grandparent, using a bottle, or feeding was simply signified via the image of a bottle. Not one of the books depicted the act, the normal, instinctive, natural act that is breastfeeding.
Q: I do believe that your passion and determination to publicize and discuss (the importance of) breastfeeding equals my similar desire to present new older parenting – in all its glory. Why have you taken up the mantle on this and what do you hope to accomplish?
A: Following on from the previous question, yes, I think you’re probably right. It’s important, as well, to highlight issues and potential ‘boobie traps’ to successful breastfeeding. I hope that in some small way my book, and my wider writing, can help with the increasingly loud voices calling for recognition of the fact that breastfeeding is normal, and not just normal for newborn babies, but normal for older babies and beyond. It isn’t always easy, but there is always help and support available and there’s absolutely no shame in asking for that help.
Q: Please express your own personal feelings about breastfeeding with your daughter. How long do you think you will you continue?
A: I’ve joked in the past that we will continue til she’s 18, which clearly won’t be the case, but I do believe we’ll carry on until she is ready to stop be that next week, next month, next year. She asks for “milky” (something I never dreamt I’d be able to cope with), she feeds in a lazy first thing in the morning kind of way when she wakes up, and then snuggles in and nurses before she goes to sleep. Some days she won’t breastfeed inbetween, others she’ll just sneak up and demand milky, particularly if she’s tired or has hurt herself.
It’s not simply about the sustenance it provides (alongside a hugely varied diet), but breastfeeding beyond infancy provides love, warmth, comfort, support, reassurance and a well documented feeling of security that generally leads to more confident children. I love the intimacy – the peaceful milky moments we share together but mainly because of seeing the way she responds and how instinctive and normal it is for her.
Q: What advice would you give mothers who simply cannot breastfeed and must contend with their own feelings of failure and the complexities of pumping and using the bottle?
A: I really can’t advise anyone, other than to say don’t be too quick to give up, and don’t be afraid to ask for help. Breastfeeding is (and was for us) so much harder than expected to begin with. There really is a very small percentage of people who can’t breastfeed having had support and help, and that is generally to do with health issues. The help is out there from amazing (and very non judgemental) organisations like the La Leche League. If you (like I) found your baby had been given formula following a C-section or difficult birth, or if you need to supplement, then it doesn’t mean you have to stop breastfeeding. Keep on trying, keep on pumping to keep your supply up. Look online for support – there are some wonderful breastfeeding forums out there.
Ultimately, it’s a very personal decision, I believe that people should at least start with the aim of breastfeeding. I have many friends who didn’t and never intended to and they are no less wonderful mothers than those who sat in cupboards expressing once they were back at work or carried on with through mastitis or a cracked nipple.
Seek help from organisations such as La Leche League – they’re non judgemental and helpful. Know your rights as to pumping breaks and milk storage at work. Look for support from online forums, there are many of them… and don’t believe you are alone in your anxieties.
Q: Is the illustrator someone the publisher found for you?
A: No, I first met Jessica D’Alton Goode, the marvellous illustrator of Milky Moments, over a cheese counter in a local farm shop delicatessen. I was admiring some greetings cards by the til/cash register – images of chickens and elephants. She told me she’d painted them and over the next few months I became more aware of pieces of her art dotted around the shop. We became friends, and I asked if she’d like to paint an illustration for the cover of a book about my personal journey to being a mother. She said, “yes.”
In the end, that project was put on hold as I became more and more determined that Milky Moments be created. Jess is almost exactly half my age, she’s a remarkable person and has the patience of a saint to have put up with my near constant critique of her work, my requests for changes – for re-paints and for revision to detail. I knew the book in my mind and somehow working together we extracted it and bought it to life. It was about 2/3 finished when I took a pillowcase full of illustrations and a folder full of text to the publisher in August 2014.
Q: Will you be writing a follow-up book?
A: We’re already working on another children’s book. I have been writing a reflection on being an older mother. This has taken a back seat recently and is something I need to pick up. Quite aside from the writing, look out for Milky Moments prints, cards and other products. We have all sorts of cunning plans.
Q: How do you feel as a midlife mother? What are some positives and some negatives?
A: I am where I am. I’m happy, I’m proud and I’m determined to be the best mother I can be. I look after my three-year- old daughter and my almost 90-year-old-mother. This can be tough at times, but I’m also grateful for the experience that seeing them together gives me every day. I have friends with children the same age who are themselves half my age. Most of the time we just talk about our children. From time to time, I’ll talk about music and they’ll look blankly at me or I’ll wonder at quite how fresh faced they are, but generally we’re all just mothers and friends.
I haven’t had any hormonal issues as yet. I get tired but then again I always did, and more often than not it’s because I’m up late writing. I do have financial concerns but have put various steps in place to ensure that my daughter is always going to be secure (as far as I can). I wish I had more money to have more adventures with her for now. But, as I said, ultimately I’m just another mother, and probably a bit more relaxed one than many of my friends.
Q: What part of this experience has most challenged and/or changed you?
A: I have truly realised how utterly amazing women are. My respect for women is vast, and I’ve become far less conscious of my self and far more aware of other people. The challenging parts have all been around finances or relationships. But, honestly, the mothering thing has all been a wonderful experience. Perhaps, in a few years time, when my stubborn, defiant, gloriously independent daughter is a teenager I’ll feel different. But, so far so incredibly good.
Q: What comments (by others) have most impacted you?
A: The nurse calling me and saying, “you’re pregnant!”
Q: Knowing you for a few years, I’ve seen you shift from elated mother to social activist regarding new older parenting. How and why did you make the transition?
A: Ha, that makes me smile. I think I’ve always been a social activist at some level or other – often on the side of the underdog – and generally fairly left of centre. I guess, in my case, the transition has been natural. I was elated to be a first time mother. I was over-the-moon and I was amazed. As time has passed, I’m no less elated but the reality of it has tempered the amazement.
Now, the mothering part is joyful.
The privilege of having a child never leaves me nor the wonder of seeing a small person grow and flourish. And, the ‘activist’ part came in response to being asked about my experiences and hearing the positive reaction to my answers or my writing. The breastfeeding part became personal and ultimately stems from the immense satisfaction it has given me knowing that I really am doing my utmost (and it hasn’t always been straightforward) to support my daughter as she grows. I’ve hated reports of people being ‘shamed’ for breastfeeding, and also never experienced it myself. I have yet to meet anyone who has believed that breastfeeding is far more normal and less controversial than the media would often have us believe.
Q: If you had your life to do over again, would you do it in the same manner?
A: I’d have to say yes, as if I did it differently I might not have ended up with my remarkable loving musical daughter. Clearly, I’d prefer to have total financial security and no traces of ill health, And I would (I think) have loved to have had oodles of children and breastfed all of them like the mad old woman who lived in the shoe. But then again, I’d have had a very different relationship with them to the one I so cherish with my daughter.
Q: What one bit of wisdom can you impart to anyone reading this?
A: If you see someone breastfeeding in public go and offer them a glass of water and say well done!
Thank you for joining us today, Ellie. I wish you the greatest success with your first book. It’s both stunning and a beauty! 🙂
Thank YOU, Cyma!
Ellie Stoneley gave birth to her daughter at the age of 47 in 2012. When she’s not writing or singing songs about scarecrows and black sheep with toddlers, Ellie works freelance helping small charities and businesses to give themselves a louder voice online. She studied Psychology and English Literature at Durham University, and has worked all over the world, most notably mining opals in the Australian outback and as a volunteer on behalf of the Kitchen Table Charities Trust, for whom she travelled to Madagascar to highlight the issues many children face there.
Ellie writes regularly about mothering and being an older (positively geriatric) first-time mother on her own blog Mush Brained Ramblings, for Huffington Post, as well as at Mumsnet, MotheringintheMiddle, What to Expect, Breastfeeding Matters and Cambridge News. She appears on TV and radio to discuss a variety of parenting issues.
When her daughter was born, Ellie was determined to breastfeed, but things got off to a shaky start as her baby was premature and had to be fed via a nasal tube, and was found to have a tongue tie. Ellie found tremendous support from the La Leche League and a local breastfeeding drop-in centre which transformed their nursing experience. Three years later, they are still going strong. She hopes that Milky Moments will support and encourage other new mothers, their children and families on their own breastfeeding journeys.
Published on 14th May 2015 by Pinter and Martin Publishers, distributed worldwide. http://www.pinterandmartin.
ISBN: 978-1-78066-255-8
http://www.amazon.com/Milky-