It doesn’t matter who your father was; it matters who I remember he was – Anne Sexton
What or rather who is a father? If you grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting, a father is depicted as someone who is there for you – supportive and attentive in every way; the “rule setter” – the stern but loving man who helped guide you into adulthood. The man who would give you away on your wedding day to the person you love.
For me, I grew up in a single-parent household with my mother and sisters. The person I knew to be my father was unsupportive – a staunch alcoholic rule-breaker in every sense of the word. Still, to this day, he has no idea when my birthday is. Yet, as a child he was my father. I grew up learning that I should love him and respect him, regardless.
My definition of a father changed more dramatically a few years ago, when my mother finally confided in me that the man I grew up knowing as my ‘father-the drunk’ was not, in fact, my “real” father. My biological father was in fact a man who had sociopathically attacked my mother. My new reality was that my father was a rapist. That new fact shook my world and made me question who I was as a parent, a wife, and an adult.
What makes a father a father? Biology? Proximity? Wisdom and age? How could I define a father for my children if I couldn’t define it for myself? I asked myself, ‘How do I choose to see my father?’ Is he the man I grew up with? Is he the ‘sperm donor’? Is he my creator? I proceeded cautiously because I knew what I chose would ultimately affect who I was in this world. Was I a victim? An unfortunate mistake? Or, was I created with purpose and by design?
You see, in the midst of tragedy and chaos, I had been given a gift – a gift to decide who my father really was. Ultimately, I chose to begin to see my father as my creator.
But, we don’t need tragedy or strife to be given the opportunity to decide who or what we become.
Sure, our pasts will influence what we want or wish for. But our definition of father is ultimately decided by ourselves. So, ask yourself, ‘what do you want? How do you want your children to define their father?’
For me, I see Father’s Day as a celebration of the man my children have: a man who is funny, kind, and patient. And, more often than not just another Big Kid. Sure, he’s a rule setter, and homework helper. But, he is also thoughtful and silly when my daughter needs to laugh; honest and sincere for my son when he needs to know it’s ok to cry.
This Father’s Day, celebrate your ability to choose your own definition of a father. Whatever you decide it to be – your partner, your best friend, your highschool sweetheart, your creator. Celebrate the love surrounding you and your definition of a Father.
Heather Griffiths, 39, is an Automation Biologist for Dow AgroSciences in Indianapolis, IN, where she lives with her husband and two beautiful children, Walter, 9, and Audrey Scout, 7. In addition to being a Mom, she is often described as a liberal, outspoken, and stubborn woman who loves yoga, painting, curling up with a good book, and would rather give up food than coffee.