Okay, I will oblige you….if these are my golden years, then mine are more the color of rust-y.
I am a midlife mother. My children are nine and five years old. I am also a single mom, a professional, a daughter, an advocate for my children and, now, add to that list…someone who dates. Really?!
After two and half years of what I’ll call “dating atrophy,” I found my reentry, my kick-start, my mojo – call-it-whatever-you-want, on the back of a Harley. The wind in my face, holding tightly to the waist of a burly man and my responsibilities tucked into (his) safe arms, this singular event was the tonic my soul needed to surge forward. Where I was, and actually continue to be, has literally been one of the most difficult things to navigate; these are complex waters! Dating in one’s midlife should include a GPS….oh, and my reading glasses, since I seem to need those for everything these days.
So, as I check the mirror in my family room for the third time and wait for the doorbell to ring, I contemplate which “hat” I will be wearing tonight. God-forbid I happen to put on the “mom cap” and wipe my date’s chin, or my professional fedora and correct his grammar/syntax, or my beret and start my rant. I prefer to call it a “gentle educating,” discussing the direction of research about Autism, a favorite topic of mine. Sadly, I have done all of the above before appetizers were even served.
Upon reflection, the best hat for me is my thinking cap. Same wisdom used in all situations of dating…be considerate, find out about my companion…allow my date to talk…and they all get there. Then, just before I hit him with my heavy artillery, I ask him to put on a hat of his own…actually, it is more like a helmet!
It is precisely at that moment that I utilize the sports theory that “the best defense is an honest offense.” I lay my life’s complexities on the line and let him know that I am the poster child for the “red-flag-girl.” Picture my date as Andretti’s on his final lap and me off to the side waving, oh, let’s be conservative and say, one hundred red flags. I may be energetic, and my legs, in short black short shorts are still hot, but keep in mind…I have two YOUNG children and it will be thirteen years before my youngest completes high school. (God willing…)
Just as a review, to make sure my date has clarity on his final lap, I am a single mom who works a lot; has, at best, two nights a week to go out; and, most importantly, has two young children, one being a sassy little thing headed to either law school or jail (since this is an unknown at this point), and a low functioning Autistic son.
Being as helpful as humanly possible, I feel compelled to let out a blood curdling scream and at the top of my lungs yell to every man, “RUN!” Actually, you must realize that with my lack of second dates, this has not proven to be my best approach. So, I have rethunk the whole strategy!
By the time most couples of my maturity are dating, their children have packed their bags and headed for the dorms. These older adults can, under candlelight and a leisurely dinner, sweetly, reminisce about their children’s lovely yummy teenage years. And, with their heads together, they can conspire about how their (simultaneous) roads could have been easier.
I, on the other hand, have just started on that path and will not be leaving CandyLand for some years to come. McDonald’s playground and every sand-filled lot with a swing and monkey bars is a mainstay in our world. At all times, I have baby wipes somewhere on my body; lipstick is just another item to become smeared. Gray in the crayon box is now identified as the color before mommy colors her hair. Blah blah blah. My point is that candlelight is not just for ambiance; at my age, it is a necessity under lighting!!
I, alone, have chosen this tough midlife motherhood road, which is actually more traveled these days by women electing to wait for children. So, having a sense of humor and no complaints about the situation I have chosen for myself is my mantra-gait. For all of you neophyte midlife daters, here’s a news-flash: our dates should expect the same as well. No moaning…well…not the bitching moans and groans…the other kind of (pleasurable) moaning in itself is truly worthy of another blog.
How I make this work is the simplest part of this equation. It is the same way I make it work for my children. I live in the moment and embrace the sheer delight of the sensation of the “now.” It is that simple…I celebrate the wind in my face on the back of a motorcycle or the pure beauty of watching the sunset as I rollerblade and my date rides a bicycle. I just live in the moment of all situations that I want to fully embrace.
I am joyful to be a mom when I am with my children and joyful to be a woman when I am dating. If this realization in itself is the gift – the wisdom I have reaped in my umber years – then rust-y just needs some WD-40.