Being a parent is not a popularity contest.
It is not a one man or woman operation either. You never know what challenges you’ll face, which is both terrifying and exhilarating at the same time. If you can face your fears and anxieties, you might just make an awesome parent.
Your children won’t recognize this until you’re really old, but in the meantime, your job is to make them horrified to have you as parents (just like we did to our parents). The mere possibility that you might embarrass them in front of their peers is the lever you need to survive their growth to maturity.
So here are my few parenting thoughts:
Take as many baby pictures now as possible. Make sure they are in silly positions/situations/clothing. Keep a copy handy for when guests and relatives come by. I guarantee they won’t misbehave.
Use the photographs of them sitting on the toilet as adequate backups.
Learn how to say no in as many ways as possible. The art of saying no should have been covered by a Chinese Warlord named “Not Just No.”
Make them ask the other parent if they can do something and then tell them yes only if the other parent says yes. But, here’s the tricky part: never actually agree to anything. Keep them going back and forth from one parent to another until they actually forgot what they wanted to do. The exercise is good for them (and for you).
My wife and I disagree on whether or not they should watch television or what kind of television they should watch. If we are exhausted, however, television becomes the palliative of choice. If you really want to be a good parent, don’t let your children watch any television except when you are so tired that you can’t stand up straight. In those rare instances, turn on the Food Channel, History or the Discovery Channel. If they don’t speak Spanish, turn on Telemundo. C-Span makes a good choice except they might become policy wonks.
Make sure you agree on clothing choices for your daughter prior to her leaving the house. Legs do not start at the butt. Boy’s imaginations do though.
Teaching your sons respect for the opposite sex while their hormones have started raging is a crapshoot. It’s like telling them to go and stop at the same time. Best to retrain them at every full moon.
Parents need to work closely on bathing suits. The double standard for girls and boys needs to be closely and cleverly addressed. I am working on a boy repellent that also has a UV rating of 5000. It smells like homework, lawn mowing and blue cheese. Girls should be advised that one piece suits have returned to popularity.
Your clothing choices can have the proper negative impact. Leisure suits, leotards, bow ties and ugly hats can get rid of possible suitors of either gender.
Being a geek of any kind is a highly desirable option in helping raise children. Computer geeks notwithstanding, the best type would be Comic Book and Sci-Fi Geeks. Wearing Star Trek costumes and going to ComicCons can be life-saving hobbies. Threaten to wear your Star Trek, Deep Space Nine or Star Wars costumes to school, the dance or the prom and if they don’t run away, your kids should behave for at least three weeks.
I found out the hard way that volunteering at school or helping coach your kids in sports has the same effect as being a geek. Not only are you a geek, but you’re visible for everyone to see.
My wife and I have discussed some of these items ad infinitum ad nauseum. I’m often amused at how much we both agree and disagree on. Raising children with the proper humility and contempt for their parents is not an easy task. I hope some of my suggestions give you the push to start your creative juices while you’re still alive and your kids can appreciate the lengths you’re willing to go to embarrass them. In the end, it’s all in the day of being a parent.