Dear Reader: We’re pleased to present our newest contributor – Faydra Koenig, who will be available for any questions and/or issues you might have. Please forward any questions to midlifemothers@gmail.com. She will be happy to help you!
Q- Faydra, my husband left me and our young son for another woman. I feel so many emotions inside including anger, betrayal and insecurity. What is the first step for me? – Sarah from Oregon
Faydra- Sarah, first off let me say that I am so sorry that this is your current reality. I understand how you are feeling and want to encourage you to consider a few things as you move through these initial few months.
First off, infidelity rarely has to do with your adequacy as a wife, woman or mother. Studies have shown that men and women who cheat on their spouses were rarely seeking to hurt their spouse. Most often, people cheat because there are unresolved issues plaguing them and the cheating becomes an escape. Second, if you live in a state that has a no-fault divorce ruling, you will not be entitled to any sort of advantage during your proceedings because your spouse cheated. Many people feel they are entitled to more because they are the victim of infidelity. Last, it may be difficult to keep your emotions in check right now. Please engage with someone who has the training to help you keep your head and make important decisions.
Q- Faydra, I am going to a mediation appointment next week and I want to tell the mediator about how verbally assaultive my ex is and show the mediator all the nasty e-mails and texts he has sent me. What is the best way to make sure the mediator knows what a jerk my ex is? -Cassie from Washington
Faydra– Cassie, while I appreciate your spunk and recognize that your ex is probably being absolutely horrible, do not go into this mediation with a chip on your shoulder. It will only alienate you and hurt your chance for a good first impression.
Mediators are skilled people who deal with hundreds of angry parents each year. I know you believe that this is an important time to show the mediator your ex’s true colors, but you may be hurting your chances in the process. Mediation is about settling a disagreement about visitation and custody. The mediator already knows that you and your spouse don’t get along or you wouldn’t be there. The mediator will be sizing you up from the moment you leave the waiting room. Dress your best, take a deep breath and prepare to speak with civility.
Q- Faydra, My ex and I are separated but haven’t filed for divorce. How can I make sure she doesn’t go out there and cause financial problems that I don’t know about, but might have to be responsible for? – Edward from California
Faydra- Edward, you are right to be worrying about your ex and your credit. As long as the courts recognize you as legally married, you are each on the hook for the financial behavior of the other person. The best way to protect yourself is to at least file for a legal separation. A legal separation notifies the court system that you and your spouse are no longer cohabitating and allows you to notify creditors of the same thing. You then have the option to sever your joint accounts and can take action to address any loans or other debt that you are jointly responsible for. Additionally, you will not be on the hook for any debt incurred after the filing date of the separation.
Faydra can be reached at – http://americasdivorcecoach.us/