Nervously, after my adult daughters were already told what was happening, or more accurately, had figured it out on their own, I sat my 19-year-old son down to have “The Talk.” “Mom, what?” he said with growing anxiety. ”Just tell me.” And, so I did: “Leah and I are dating.” (Leah is a woman, of course). With a long deep sigh of relief, I had finally said it.
I stared at him waiting for his reaction and my presumed need to defend my reasons. I was well prepared to explain why at this juncture in my life my relationship with Leah had changed my entire world and would, in turn, change theirs. I wanted to explain that it was not just an overused cliché that spills out of the mouths of many couples but that Leah did, in fact, complete me.
I also knew that I would now be able to give my children what I had struggled to provide for over 25 years: a loving, respectful, accepting and secure home environment for them to finish growing up in, to visit with their future children and to come home for holidays. A place where each person would be valued, respected, and unconditionally loved by the parents in the house.
I now felt a tranquil serenity that I had observed for years in other’s lives, but had eluded me. Leah had given me the gift of relieving much of the emotional burden that can come with parenting children, young or old. Leah helped me see another viewpoint. Leah helped me be my best so that I could be available for them when needed, and step back and let life unfold, when required. I believed with everything that was in me that if there were two parents in a household, no matter what gender, that they be the best parents possible. All of which brought me back to that moment.
“Oh mom, I knew that already” he said casually. “You did?” I asked, more confused than ever. After all, I had rehearsed my speech numerous times. I wanted to ensure that each child would know what Leah and I shared, and what the relationship meant to both of us. While all of my explanations were not needed, I said them anyway – three more times, for each of my three other children. But, this time, revealing my truth, I was alone with my son.
Here I was, breathing a sigh of relief from the unburdened stress of having to tell him that I had, well, switched teams. I thought I was making a huge confession which would change the course of our world forever. He, however, looked at me as if I was behaving like my usual over-reactive mothering-self.
I felt a bit silly after I had worked myself into a frantic state. He shared that he really liked Leah and that all was good (meaning, as teens tend to describe their state of mind as “just fine”). With that last statement, he turned and walked away. And, we carried on as we always did with our routine household activities.
One by one, the reactions were the same; the result the same, too. One by one each of my three other kids conveyed how indescribably happy they were — for me, for us, and for all of us. Over and over, I worried, too, about the reactions from others – that my teen would be harassed by his teen-friends; that my fourth child, the youngest, might not be able to withstand the sometimes harsh comments; that our lives might appear as if we, too, expected our children to “jump fences;” that my adult daughters living their own lives in different cities would be embarrassed that yet again, I had gone against societal norms and carved out my own happiness; (and would ask) why our family life seemed void of the typical family experience.
I felt guilty that my children had to continually, for all of their existence, be the unique family. But, just the opposite happened. My friends embraced Leah with open arms. My children’s friends were excited for our family. A select few enthusiastically attended our wedding. My children’s closest circle of friends never missed a beat and none made any vicious comments. It appeared as if our love wasn’t lost on anyone who loved us.
Leah and I had worked together for just under seven years, both of us in other relationships which just didn’t fit and just didn’t last. During our friendship, we would talk for hours. Sometimes accidental attachments remain long-term friendships. But when you sprinkle in a natural chemistry and add the strength of unwavering commitment, you have a romantic courtship that has been forged and is built to last.
This is what I’d hoped to show my children.
I desperately wanted them to know and see how contented I felt and how every day, I am a better me. I am a better mom, wife, daughter and person. I am better because there is a serenity and peace of mind that comes with building a life with the right companion. The realities of marrying in your mid-40s (esp. for the third time) can’t belie the life experiences that each person brings to the relationship.
Nearly 20 years ago, my first marriage ended in a very public spectacle which produced grave results. My children were left almost parentless with no one to nurture, love and guide them.
Now, I felt excited that at age 47, with my four children, we would all “get it right.” I would have the peace that comes from a purposeful, committed and loving partnership. The children would have the solid foundation I’d always hoped to offer them. I had finally made a life choice to share my dreams with my true companion. I did not allow the fact that she is a woman dictate whether that was acceptable or not. Now, I could feel safe in the cocoon that Leah and I would build for our newly-formed family and our four children.
I would not want to spend the rest of this journey with anyone else but my wife, Leah.
Once my four children gave their blessings and were happy, the rest of the world and its opinion no longer mattered.
Monique Faison Ross, 47, was born in San Francisco and grew up as an only child in San Diego. She has lived in the Northeast for the last 15 years. Her four children range in age from 10 – 28. Some of her many passions include building a butterfly garden and doing home projects with her wife which help create a home oasis for their entire family. Among her must-do summer activities are going to her favorite Rhode Island Beach and swimming in the pool. Living for three years and having a child in Japan has been one of her many great life experiences. She is happy to be contributing to Midlife Mothering in the hope that other women will glean something from her own mothering experiences. She is currently writing a memoir and recently married her partner just last year.