Emotions are celebrated and repressed, analyzed and medicated, adored and ignored — but rarely, if ever, are they honored – Karla McLaren
I was driving to my doctor’s appointment when the morning radio host began talking about the second anniversary of the earthquake in Haiti. I had awakened that morning feeling fragile, and chalked it up to needing to adjust my hormones. I felt thankful that I was heading to the doctor.
But, suddenly, at the mention of the earthquake, I began crying, and found it hard to stop. Here I was seeing a collage of pictures and images I had seen on CNN during the weeks we felt helpless as we fought to bring my daughter home. Something I thought I had moved beyond was suddenly rearing its ugly head.
Perspective adoptive parents tend to focus on making their home and family environment safe places for a child who will hopefully one day come home. We may read books, attend courses, and scour the Internet for jewels of wisdom. Rarely do we consider our wait, the (sometimes) many required trips and what the entire process of adoption may do to us, later.
As the second anniversary passed, if I reflected for a second on what we went through to get her, I would break down. And, after a few more days of the same behavior, I called a friend who is an adoption counselor. It was she who told me that I had PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Dumbfounded, I thought, ‘ TWO years later?’
Over the years I had cried at the thought of leaving my daughter to go back to work, or leaving her with a babysitter. It had taken this long for my emotions to rise up and show themselves. I realized I was terrified to allow her out of my sight, afraid of what could happen while we were apart.
And so, I sought and found a counselor to begin dealing with the range of emotions that flooded my mind, especially when I allowed memories to take residence in my heart. It took many months to work it out, but as I moved through the suppressed emotions, I was able to not relate so much of my present mothering experience to the stress that I had endured. My need to fight for my daughter had taken over my realization of trauma, and I needed to release them both – to free myself, and move on.
There are no readily available statistics on the number of parents suffering from PTSD, the bulk of information found is based on the adopted child’s experiences. We are the ones choosing to adopt; they are the ones being brought to our home. How many of us walk around each day not understanding the burden we have carried? The road to adoption is long and fraught with obstacles. Our fragile, hopeful, frightened hearts can take on a bundle of emotions as we wait.
Here are some excerpts from The Canadian Mental Health Association on PTSD:
“The symptoms of PTSD usually begin within 3 months of the traumatic event, though they may surface many years later. The duration of PTSD and the strength of the symptoms vary.
There are three categories of symptoms.
The first involves re-experiencing the event. This is the main characteristic of PTSD and it can happen in different ways. Most commonly the person has powerful, recurrent memories of the event… The anniversary of the triggering event, or situations which remind them of it, can also cause extreme discomfort.
Avoidance and emotional numbing are the second category of symptoms… Emotional numbing generally begins very soon after the event. A person with PTSD may withdraw from friends and family, lose interest in activities they previously enjoyed or have difficulty feeling emotions…
The third category of symptoms involves changes in sleeping patterns and increased alertness. Insomnia is common and some people with PTSD have difficulty concentrating and finishing tasks.”
As important as it is to make sure you are learning about what your child will need from you, it is equally important to tune in to your own heart; learn to recognize your needs; take time to honor yourself.
Here are just a few of the dozens of articles on the subject:
http://www.rainbowkids.com/expertarticledetails.aspx?id=206
http://www.come-over.to/FAS/RADparentsPSTD.htm
http://www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=96&Itemid=80