The month of October, Down syndrome month, is a particularly good time to bring awareness to the fact that the “r” word (retard) is exceedingly hurtful. For those who don’t realize how hurtful it is, many of us point it out as nicely as we can. And, if we are lucky, the offending party apologizes and tries not to do it again. We are not, for the most part, an unforgiving bunch. We recognize that most people use it with no malice or forethought. In daily conversation, it has become a synonym for “stupid” or “silly” or “ridiculous.”

The first time I worried about this word was nine years ago when my son was born. As I sat numb, in shock, and listening to the geneticist explaining his Down syndrome diagnosis, I interrupted and cried, “I just don’t want anyone calling him a retard!” Little did I know just how likely this was to happen.

But what about the many who do know better and continue using it? The use of the word has increased as social media and the Internet have grown. One popular site offers a quiz that asks, “How Retarded Are You?” I don’t know the answer, but if my nine year old son could read, write or talk, I would ask him. Another application on the same site offers another quiz allowing members to “see what famous retard” they are most like.

As an administrator on many online parenting sites, not one day passes that I don’t see this word freely being used, most surprisingly by mothers who may one day have a child with Down syndrome (or another related condition) which may cause their child to be called a “retard.” Many subscribers defend their use of the word and insist on being allowed to use it even when the pain it causes is clearly pointed out to them.

The prevalence of “retard” on the web is astronomical. If you look at the Special Olympics Spread the Word to End the Word site, there is a widget one can use to see how many times in one day the “r” word is used on any given website. It is eye-opening. All you really have to do is Google the word and let the counting begin….

Want to hear it over and over again? Turn on the TV. I like TV, but if I were to go one week without hearing a character use this word, I’d be shocked. Name a sitcom or reality show, and there is a good chance it will be said. While the media may publicize the more blatant and obvious attacks on children like mine, this is surely the tip of the iceberg.

As I marvel at how hard my little guy works to do what comes easily for those who casually say, “I’m so retarded,” all I can think to reply is, “No, you’re not, but my son is.” This brings me to the next point. He can’t defend himself – which is what makes all of this more hateful than ever.

On the “Spread the Word” facebook group, someone once wrote that our kids should simply grow thick skins and defend themselves. If my child had the mental capacity and ability to talk, it might be possible, but what part of my saying, “He can’t,” does that person not understand? Sadly, I’ve come to expect these hurtful and thoughtless statements from strangers, acquaintances and friends. I’ve come to expect the “r” word to be tossed around, defended and downplayed on a regular basis. But, please note that we also hear it from loved ones and those we truly respect.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? Nothing could be further from the truth.