I am the mother of three children; my youngest is three years old. Living with a toddler presents a myriad of challenges on a daily basis.
Here is my helpful list for parents to navigate the uncertain waters of living with a small, human- like piranha.
1 – Leave all cookies and candy on the lower pantry shelf, within their reach. This will reduce trips to the ER when they try to rescue said candy from your hiding spot. Toddlers are like tiny ninjas with zero agility. When weighing out cavities versus stiches, cavities win every time.
2 – Try to outfit your bathroom with the most comfortable furniture you own. You will spend an excessive amount of time watching and/or waiting for poop to come out of their precious bottoms. You may as well be comfortable waiting. If you can fit a small wine fridge in there, it would be an added bonus.
3 – Take a course on mind reading. This will come in handy when they ask for help and then immediately scream at you for helping. It also helps when picking out the exact pair of superhero underwear suitable for a Tuesday and socks that go just far enough up the calf not to be infuriating.
4 – When grocery shopping, only buy goldfish crackers, ketchup, apples, chicken nuggets and cheese. This will save you hundreds of dollars a month trying to guess what may or may not be appealing to them during mealtime. Wait, forget the cheese. As of today,they DON’T LIKE CHEESE.
5 – Buy a tape recorder so you can answer their questions repeatedly without actually opening your mouth. Simply record your first response and continue to hit playback for the rest of the conversation. See example below:
Him-“You make me chicken now?”
You-(hit record) “Yes sweetie.”
Him-“Now?”
You-rewind, play
Him-“I ready for the chicken.”
You-rewind, play
Him-“The chicken ready?”
You-rewind, play
Him-“YOU BRING ME THE CHICKEN!”
You-rewind, play
You get the drift. Your mouth can then be used for drinking more wine.
6 – Do not ever buy two of his favorite bedtime animal or blanket. This may seem like a smart investment if one were to ever lose this sacred item. However, if you give them the replacement set and they magically find the original, you will forever be responsible for providing TWO doggies and TWO blankies (pronounced wankie). What once was an acceptable doggie to wankie ratio just became unimaginable.
7 – Do not, under any circumstance, laugh at their farts. Toddlers think they are the funniest person at the party and if you laugh once, they will continue to repeat that behavior for eternity. If they cannot produce an actual fart, they will begin making farting noises with their mouths. You will then be forced to laugh every time they make the noise. Toddlers have more stamina than you think. If you stop laughing, you will be screamed at for being the insensitive asshole you are.
8 – Remove every item from your house that your toddler could stick in their mouths and consume. This includes candles, chapstick, chalk, tampons, dog treats, and their siblings’ retainer. Basically don’t buy anything at all of value to you or anyone who lives in your home until they can be trusted alone for more than 22 seconds. Twenty two seconds is the amount of time a toddler can consume a piece of chalk. And it was just the tampon wrapper.
Even toddlers have standards.
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